Surviving a New Baby

Having a baby isn’t a steep learning curve, it’s a death slide into the unknown. You think you’ve got it all sorted, then you bring your miniature person home and realise you know NOTHING. But through trial and error you start to figure out what works for your little one and, like a death slide, things even out. You feel like you know what you’re doing, start to enjoy it and even (secretly and smugly) wonder if you might actually be good at it. Then your baby grows into a new phase, everything changes, and you plummet into confusion again. We’re currently figuring out how to manage a mobile baby, but before I forget all the stuff I learned about keeping a baby-baby happy I want to share it here.

This won’t be helpful to everyone. All babies are different and you might have lucked out and got yourself a chilled out, easy going, sleep-loving angel baby. I didn’t. And it is luck. We don’t do anything to make our babies the way they are and we can’t change them. So don’t beat yourself up when your baby doesn’t fit in with what the books tell you. In fact, bin the books. Our job is to get to know them, tune into their needs and support them in the right way for them. But however hard we try to make them happy, there will be days when they are downright grumpy. Especially around 4 months. Nothing you do will be right. Nothing you do will be wrong either, so just keep cuddling and muddling through. All you can do is listen to your heart, listen to your baby and do what feels right for your family. Here are some of the things that worked for us and I hope they help you get to the enjoyable bit a bit quicker.

Fourth trimester

Human babies just aren’t ready to be born. Unlike the blue wildebeest, which can stand 6 minutes after birth, our babies would ideally stay in the womb until they were a bit more done. But then they’d never fit out, so for the first few months some are happiest when we make life as womb-like as possible. The easiest way to do this is wear them in a fabric wrap, like this or like this. They get to be warm, snuggled tight, hear your heartbeat, smell you and be rocked to sleep by your movement. And you have your hands free to do what you need to do. You can even go to the loo! If you’re really clever you can breastfeed with them in there too, but if you’re struggling to get a good latch like we did it’s best to take them out to feed. If you’re driving somewhere and want to carry them in the wrap when you get there, tie it on at home then pop them in when you arrive.

The babies that like this will also want to be close to you at night. For an easy, peaceful life and the most sleep possible I recommend researching safe co-sleeping. I was pretty scared of it at first but it actually feels totally natural. It is totally natural! I will confess that I often fall asleep feeding at night, which I’m not recommending, but mum instinct seems to kick in and I just hold him in my sleep until he wakes me up hours later when he wants more milk. To me this is infinitely better than getting out my warm bed to feed in a chair in another room and having to stay awake and risk waking him up trying to put him in his cot. When he was smaller we used a sidecar cot and that was easier to pop him back into at night.

How to put down a velcro baby

Even though it can be easier to cuddle your baby all day and night there will be times when you do have to put them down. At night I developed this technique for getting my baby back into the sidecar cot: after a feed I would hold him upright against my chest in that cute frog position for 20 minutes - long enough for the milk to go down, the wind to come up and him to settle into a deep enough sleep; during this time I put his blanket on my lap to warm up; to keep myself awake I played Soda Crush or chatted to other mums online; after 20 minutes I would lay him on the warm blanket, swaddle wrap him and hold him again for a few minutes to settle him; then gently into the sidecar cot (his head the opposite end from mine) and rest a hand on his tummy and a hand on his head for a few minutes - this was the key to getting him really settled in the cot. It sounds like a faff but pre the 4 month shitstorm this would get me another 4 hours sleep.

Putting him down to sleep in the day was harder so I mostly wore him or cuddled him. If you can afford one the Sleepyhead is meant to be good. The rule to putting a sleeping baby down is that when you think they’re ready to be put down they’re not, so when you get to that point keep doing what you’re doing and slowly count to 100. Then attempt the put down and keep your hands on their head and tummy for a few more minutes.

When awake, a bouncy chair is essential if you’re ever going to have a shower or a hot drink.

Sleep by any means

The mum-centric books will tell you to avoid getting into bad habits and to effectively ‘train’ your baby from the start. From what I’ve learned watching a lot of babies develop over the last year the mums who believe they’ve done this have babies who were going to do things that way anyway. And some babies just weren’t. All so-called ‘bad habits’ can be broken later down the line when the baby has had time to develop. What can't be undone is the damage caused by cry it out. Read the research - there’s no way you’ll want to do that to your child.

Some mums have to resort to getting their babies to sleep by any means. Feeding to sleep almost always works at night. It’s nature’s amazing system for relaxing babies into a lovely deep sleep and you’d be mad not to use it. Naps can be trickier. Things to try:

• The fabric wrap.
• A moses basket on a rocking stand.
• Holding and rocking  - you cannot shush too loudly or rock too energetically.
• Rocking the pram back and forth then going for a long walk - this gets you fit too.
• A drive in the car: keep a book, money for Costa drive through, a nail file and tweezers in the glove box - moving the baby nevers goes well so you’re better off staying in the car and enjoying things you never get to when they’re awake. And the light is perfect for doing your eyebrows!
• Bouncing on a big gym ball.

Try to keep daytime light and nighttime dark from the start. I find an Ikea pink night light is enough and the pink light doesn’t inhibit sleepy hormones like blue light does.

White noise can also help. In the early days we used heartbeat sounds or Radio 4. Heavy rain sound is good for blocking out other noises. Now he likes birdsong or waves.

Swaddling also helps. Love to Swaddle zip-up pods are brilliant.

Tummy troubles

As well as babies’ brains not being quite done, their gut isn’t either. They can struggle to poo and fart, writhing around in pain and making some terrifying red-faced grimaces. It’s hard to watch your new baby like this, but it is just one of things. It does get better with time and there’s not much you can do. Vary your positions or walk around while winding but stroke rather than pat to avoid sick Tummy massage and bicycling their legs around helps gassy babies, but be careful as you sometimes get more than you bargained for!

Poo explosions are inevitable. Always have spare clothes, a wet bag for the dirty stuff, plenty of wipes and nappies with you wherever you go. When they can grab have a small toy ready to distract little hands from smearing the poo everywhere. Extra washing powder, hot wash and drying in the sun will get rid of the stains.

Breastfeeding

I’ve already written lots about this but the key things are: be prepared for it to take up all your time in the early days; be prepared for it to hurt but know that it will get better; if it doesn’t, seek help from your HV or local breastfeeding group (it’s worth going to your local group anyway, they are so friendly); set up a breastfeeding station with tv remotes, phone and charger, water, biscuits, Lansinoh, pads and muslins.

Breastfeeding can be challenging but is so rewarding and much easier in the long run.

Mood changers

However brilliantly you're doing and however wonderful your baby is, there will still be days when you wonder why the hell you’ve ruined your life like this! These feelings pass (although if they don’t you must see your GP as there's lots they can do to help.) Often you just need a change of scenery. After some particularly long, exhausting nights I have shoved my wellies and raincoat on over my jammies and taken the baby for a walk. Fresh air sorts everyone out. Just holding the baby by an open window can stop a meltdown.

Just putting on make-up or playing your favourite music can make you feel like your old self again.

Dancing with your baby will make you both feel happier.

Having a baby screaming in your face is really stressful. It’s ok to put them down somewhere safe, leave the room for a few minutes and take a few deep breaths.

Get a mum network

I’ve written about it before - the mum network is vital for maintaining your sanity and avoiding boring your other friends with endless chat about poo and naps. Find them in your local breastfeeding group, Children’s Centre, music groups. Don’t be nervous - new mums like to make new friends, eat cake and chat.

Look after yourself

It can be tempting to live on cake, especially if you’re breastfeeding and ravenous. Some treats are essential but keeping healthy makes you feel much better. Make big batches of couscous or rice salad, packed full of goodness and protein, to keep in the fridge in tupperware pots - an easy, healthy, hassle-free lunch that you can eat with one hand while you hold or feed the baby. Making it is a good job to delegate to family and friends who ask what they can do to help.

Tea and coffee just go cold before you drink them so it’s not worth making. I know lots of mums who swear by their coffees to keep them going but I find it much easier to go without the caffeine hit and avoid the drop. I’m also wary about how much would get through to the baby and anything that might make him sleep even worse is not worth the risk. Same goes for chocolate.

Dealing with problems

The ‘problems’ you will face fall into 2 categories - ones that need dealing with and ones that need thinking about differently.

For example, is it really a ‘problem’ that your baby will only nap on you? So what if your house is a mess or you haven’t washed your hair. When you look back on this time the memories you will cherish are of the snuggles with your amazing baby. It can be really hard to do but let go of that crazy idea that you need to be a domestic goddess and do it all. All you need to do is feed and cuddle your baby. Ignore the books that make you feel bad, establish a natural rhythm, not a routine, and enjoy their cuteness. Some babies will sleep through from early on. Do not talk to these mums about sleep if yours is still waking up loads. Most babies wake up loads, they’re designed that way. When they are good and ready they will sleep through.You can drive yourself crazy trying to work out how to help them sleep, and you may need to intervene at some point, but while they’re little just go with it, get early nights and make it as easy for yourself as you can.

Other problems do need sorting. Google will only confuse you and stress you out. Stay away from Google. If you're worried about anything, including yourself, speak to your HV or GP straight away. It will get sorted much faster.

And keep repeating the mum mantra - this too shall pass. Everything is just a phase and it does keep getting better and better!

This post was written with a wonderful couple in mind. We’re so excited for you and you’re going to be amazing!