What Would Cave Baby Do?

Lots of the ‘advice’ about caring for a new baby seems to be aimed at moulding and shaping them to fit the constraints and pressures of our modern lifestyles. But it shouldn’t be a surprise that our babies put up such a fight. They are hardwired with instincts and reflexes suited to a much simpler time. When humans evolved, and survival of the fittest determined which traits and behaviours should be passed on, life was very different. New mothers were never alone. There were plenty of loving arms to hold and soothe, probably boobs to feed from. There was no need to be up in time for a baby group, dressed before the health visitor arrived or to make cups of tea for the in laws. There were dangers and the elements to battle. There were no cots, prams or car seats. Life was different.

So when I’m struggling to get my baby to sleep, and when I was getting my head around the reality of a newborn, it helps me to think ‘what would cave baby do?’ Because sometimes it feels like they are deliberately being difficult when they don’t behave like the model babies on TV. Or that we’ve somehow broken them when they don’t stick to the ideal we have imagined. But they are always just following their programming. The haven’t read the books or the blogs or the websites. They just want to survive.

Like all new parents we prepared a beautiful nursery for our little one, plus a cosy bedside cot in our room and a moses basket downstairs. After 5 days I remember saying to my mum, in a shocked, weary and desperate voice, ‘I can’t put him down!’ Just the descent towards any of his soft sleeping places, awake or asleep,  would send him into wild rage until he was picked up again. Flouting all the safety guidelines I resorted to sleeping propped up on a pile of pillows with him snuggled, frog-like, on my tummy. Looking back I don’t know why I was so surprised. Of course he didn’t want to be put down. What benefit is there for cave baby to be put down? The cave baby who stayed quiet when put down would get cold, wet, left behind or carried off by a sabre toothed tiger. The baby with the instinct to shout would survive and the loudest shouter would get protected the best. My baby wasn’t needy, he was a survivor! The fact that they are born with the palmar grasp reflex, established in our primate days when baby would grip on to the adult’s fur and go everywhere with them, says it all. So once I’d figured this out and nestled Baby B into a snug fabric wrap we were both much happier.

At the moment it’s the relentless night feeding getting me down. So what would cave baby do? He’d use the time to stock up on calories from breast milk, able to feed calmly and quietly after a busy day learning about the world. The oxytocin release would strengthen the mother-baby bond and ensure she would do whatever she could to protect him. Without Calpol he’d rely on breast milk to ease pain and provide antibodies, and skin to skin contact would regulate his temperature. Her milk would deliver sleepy hormones to send him off to sleep. He’d snuggle up on his mum, keeping warm, comfortable and safe.  They’d get up when they felt ready and go to bed when they felt ready. If he needed settling she would do what women naturally do and rock him to sleep. There would be no fear of sleep associations, no clock watching, they’d just follow their instincts and get on with it.

So of course my little one seeks comfort in the night. I know he is safe and snug and well-fed but cave baby isn’t taking any risks.

Of course, we do need to gently nudge them towards behaviour that works in the world we actually live in. I’m going to lose my shit if I don’t get more sleep soon and I’d really like my husband to be able to move back into our bed. But when it doesn’t go as I planned, and I spend another night with him sleeping on top of me with a nipple permanently in his mouth, it helps me to take a deep breath and imagine us in that cave. He isn’t being ‘manipulative’ or ‘naughty’, I didn't create this rod, there’s nothing  wrong with him or me. He’s just trusting me to make him feel safe. He knows that when he calls I will be there. I will provide him with warmth, nourishment and protection. Crying is dangerous behaviour for cave baby, attracting all kinds of trouble, so cave mummy is programmed to respond quickly and reassuringly.

So until this little cave baby realises he is big and strong enough to make it through the night, this cave mummy is just going to have to keep being there.