Before I became a parent I said a lot of stupid things. I was naive, clueless and idealistic. Now I am boobs-deep in motherhood there are some things I would like to retract.
Babies should sleep in their own rooms. It’s important for partners to share the same bed. Ha! This is spectacularly wrong for 5 good reasons. 1 - babies are designed to sleep snuggled safely up with a parent and B makes it very clear that in my bed, next to (or preferably on) me is where he wants to be. Who am I to argue with evolution. 2 - no way am I getting out of my warm bed and sitting in a cold chair to feed 3, 4, 5 sometimes 6 times a night. No way. Flopping out a boob and going straight back to sleep is the only way to survive this kind of torture. 3 - one of us needs to be rested and functioning normally. It makes sense for that to be the person that has to get up and go to work. Longlastdad is in the spare room with earplugs in and I don't blame him. 4 - having two snoring, fidgeting males in her bed is more than any woman should have to tolerate. 5 - B’s delighted smile first thing every morning is too precious to miss out on, even if it is followed by 10 minutes of smacking me in the face.
We’re not having lots of plastic crap. Of course we do. We’re not having noisy toys. I can sing along with all of them. It’s not appropriate to let babies play with keys. Well no it’s not, and they are probably filthy, and he’s probably unlocked the car, but my shiny, jangly keys are the key to getting out of shops alive. No screen time until 2 years old. Unless it’s to find out how the house turned out in Homes Under the Hammer, or daddy has Soccer AM on, or Man United are playing. Plus the Olympics won’t count. And I’d never be able to cut his nails if I didn’t mesmerise him with an episode of Paddington. And the Tellytubbies worked when all else had failed during a nasty virus. And an episode of Monkey Life gets me half an hour with my eyes shut after a hideous night. And videos of himself on my phone stop a meltdown in seconds. But apart from that…
Our lives won’t change. The baby will fit in with us. It will just come along with whatever we are doing. Babies can sleep anywhere. Pah! I don’t know what I thought my baby was going to be like. A well behaved puppy maybe? He’s not. He’s like a Tasmanian Devil but with a strict routine. At 4 weeks old I fed him at the table at a dinner party, desperately trying to avoid spraying the guests with milk, drop hot lamb tagine on his head or nod off because it was the ungodly hour of 9.30 pm. We were both uncomfortable and irritable and it just wasn’t worth it. Boring as it, sticking to bedtime and nap times routines makes life happier for all of us.
I am sure there are many other things I will change my tune about over the years. The grandparents are living for the day when the chocolate button and ice cream ban gets lifted! But until then he’s still not eating sugar and I am eating my words.
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