The Mum Network

Today I received the most wonderful WhatsApp message. It simply said “Going for a buggy walk, want to join us?” But it actually said so much more than that. It also said I too have a baby that will only sleep while moving and know how lonely those daily treks can be. It said I know we thought maternity leave would be non-stop cake dates but I too am broke, bored and going a bit bit-shit crazy. It said I’ve felt how you feel and know you’ll feel better after some fresh air. It said I’m also wearing avocado-stained jeans and a wooly hat to hide my unwashed hair - we’ll pretend it’s a trend. It said I won’t judge you, I don’t pity you, I get you and I’m with you. You don't have to explain but we can talk it all through.

And she was right. Some fresh air and talking it all through did make it feel better. It felt better to know I wasn’t the only one feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, to know that other people’s babies do the same infuriating stuff as mine and I haven’t broken him, to know that this is all normal.

Even though it doesn’t change anything, and I still have another night of almost constant feeding ahead of me, knowing it’s normal does help. At 4am when I was hiding under the duvet so B couldn’t pull my hair, doing a silent scream, wishing I could turn back time, it did not feel normal. I felt like I was the only mother in the world to breastfeed so begrudgingly, cringing at the constant poking and stroking, patting and scratching from those busy little hands, and swearing at him when he was still wide awake an hour later.

Admitting that these things happen is hard. We all so want to be the perfect mum with the perfect baby, but it doesn’t always go according to plan. Bottling it up makes it worse. It’s very easy to beat yourself up and to tell yourself you’re a bad mum, so hanging out with other ‘bad mums’ is absolutely vital for staying sane and keeping going. The mum network is essential.

My network includes mums from yoga, aqua natal, Daisy Birthing and NCT, from Jolly Babies, swimming and Baby Sensory. But you don’t have to go to expensive classes to meet people. The free breastfeeding group at the Children’s Centre is the friendliest group I’ve been to and one of my most valued friendships was struck up with a neighbour I’d never even bumped into before I had a pram to push around. Having a baby is an automatic icebreaker, an immediate thing in common. We don't all parent in the same way, but that’s great. Getting different perspectives can be really helpful and, on the whole, mums are pretty non-judgemental. We all want the best for our families, we all know how it feels to be sleep deprived, we’re all winging it in our own way. And we all love cake. We can share our worries, our confessions and our successes with friendly, equally frazzled people, whether it’s in a coffeeshop, out for a walk or via Facebook, and we can laugh about the craziness of this baby adventure. We can spot when someone is having a particularly hard time and we can swap coping strategies. And hopefully, as our babies grow up, we can support each other through the different ages and stages with their different challenges.

So say hello to that mum, or dad, pushing a pushchair down your street. Send a message to the parent at the library who looked extra tired. Invite someone round for a play-date. Build up your network and we’ll all lean on each other.


P.S. I feel bad that this is all about mums. I am sure there are many wonderfully supportive dads out there too and I'd like to meet them. But my experience so far has been meeting the mums.